Remembering My Mom (Reprise)

I found this on my multiply account while I was looking for LMR photos and since it's Mother's Day tomorrow, allow me to pay a little tribute to her through this little blog (re)post:

I did not make any editing with the post so forgive the grammatical errors.

Remembering My Mom (Reprise)

date posted: 16 January 2009

Almost three years ago, I wrote an article entitled "Remembering my Mom" that landed a space in meg magazine's Think About It section. It was an article I wrote for our Feature Writing class that actually took me a week to finish the article because every time I remember what happened I would stop and cry, regretting the things that I wasn't able to do, share or show while she was still here. It was a painful story but opened many eyes. However, it was last year (2008) when I felt I miss mom the most. I don't exactly know why, but 2008 was a really heart breaking (and so far the most stressful) year for me; so much that I could only wish I can astral project to where she is right now and share things to her.

Yes, even now that I'm 23, I still feel jealous whenever I see mothers and daughters together. Sometimes I even tell myself, "what if mom is still here?" and "if only she was here...” despite the fact of knowing that there is a purpose of her leaving us that early. I don't know; I just miss her terribly. There were times when I would hate my younger cousins if I see them talking shit to their moms, and I would tell myself, "You have no idea what the heck you're doing." I know I'm not the best daughter my parents ever had, but I wasn't raised to talk like that to my mom (or my dad). I just wished that those who disrespect their parents (their mom especially) will learn their lesson sooner than they think.

Anyway, ever since she left us, everything changed... at home, within the family, especially me. After mom's death, I thought that doors will open its way for me to feel "closer" to the rest of my family but it didn't happened (or at least I think it didn't yet). Things get worse... I had many sleepless nights, falling asleep crying, or waking up in the middle of the night crying... all because I remember (or dreamed) about mom.

Speaking of dreams, I once dreamed about getting lost in a forest when a fine lady pointed me to the right direction. I said "thank you so much Mie" when I was about to leave, even though I was very sure that she wasn't my own Mommy. At the time I was having second thoughts whether it was really my mom who pointed me the right path (only on a different face) or if I just see that person as a "Mom figure." It was kinda weird because whenever I see her in my dream she would barely say anything to me. Even though I wish I could talk to her even in my dreams, she just wouldn't. I wish I know why.

Of the six years that she's been "away" from us, life gets harder and harder everyday. Sometimes I already want to give up but her passing made me realized that I shouldn't... that somehow, she's "up there" guiding us and will not let anything bad to happen to us. And even if I wasn't as kind, open, and patience like my siblings, I think (I wish) that I somehow made her proud... not only for finishing school without any failing grades, but for following my dreams and slowly making them come to life (even if she's kinda doubting "what I want" at first).

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"When you lie, Be Consistent. (="